I have taken some quiet time over the summer to think, to truly understand where I wanted and needed to be in order to be happy. To know my decision is the right one for me. I am in an uncomfortable zone as I am not used to putting my needs first. My kids, my family, my work..they have always come before me. Now I have to put myself before all of them. I know in my head that this is the one time that is justified to be selfish but a very foreign feeling and I know all moms out there can be empathetic to this. I know this has to be about me and no one else.
Additionally, it is incredibly difficult to make a decision without feeling the pressure of the BRCA community around me...a group of amazing women that I brought together. I envy these women..these women so bold, so fearless to choose surgery without hesistation. I am the only one who has not jumped on the surgery bandwagon and I can not help but feel like a bit of an outsider.
Last week I went to a BRCA conference in Montreal...truly empowering and cutting edge information. I went to the conference with a business mind as I am determined to bring a new source of support to women who carry this genetic destiny. By the end of the conference I had less of a buisness mind and had my heart hanging out on my sleeve. I knew what I needed to do – at least in my head. I must have the mastectomy. I can not leave my children without a mother. I can not fight the cancer fight in a selfish manner..thinking that if I had to undergo chemo therapy and radiation I can pressume my family, friends etc can pick up the pieces around and all will be fine and pretty at the end of the dark tunnel. Worse still I can not presume that in the end I will win that battle.
So I made the HUGE step and I met with the surgeon, “Dr. L “ last week. I am a firm believer in fate and that life sometimes throws you a lesson you did not except to just show you if the path you are travelling is one that you need to continue on or your journey is one that needs to be readjusted.
As I sat in the conference room surrounded by the pink and green walls (God love the 80`s) I still sat there and pondered if I truly am ready. I waited and waited impatiently...My type A personally quickly ventured to ``my meter might run out and geez I might get a ticket ..arg...I shouldn`t be here" ... As my frustration rose ...I watched the door across the hall opened. A man came out of the door. A man that I will never forget for the rest of my life (my eyes create puddles as my thoughts go back to that day). I watched as his eyes rose to the ceiling, and watched as he fought back his tears . He buried his face in his hands as he hid the sounds of sobbing from his wife behind the door and the room he just left.
As a witnessed someone life change forever in front of me...I knew that no matter how difficult this journey is I can NOT play Russian roulette with cancer . She is a demon that I am not convinced can always be found in early stages. She is smart and sly and even if you beat her the first time...there is no telling what she is capable of if she chooses to come back for revenge.
I meet my plastic surgeon on Monday...and I am frightened..no word can relay on this blog how truly frightened I am.
I fight back my fears and tears tonight as I am vividly aware of `Eva` as well as a girlfriend lie in agonizing pain tonight. Eva has gone back after months of hell to try expanders... I am so very worried after all she has been though. Another GF of mine is done and had her exchange surgery today. She just posted on FB she is in agony and back on drains too. SIGH
I am not convinced I am strong enough to do this..
Have you ever done something that you didn`t want to do but knew was for the best??
I am about to cut off my breasts to save my life....God help me..God help me find strength.
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that was powerful and beautiful...
ReplyDeleteyou are a strong woman...you find the deepest inner strength when you least expect it...
don't ever deny yourself that.
the fact that you are doing this so your children have a mother...that you are being proactive and not waiting until the cancer happens...that speaks volumes about who you are...
xo
I have no words for you, Colleen. This is unchartered territory for most of us. But, I have always found inspiration in this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt for the hard choices I've had to make...
ReplyDelete"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot."
My thoughts and prayers are with you, Colleen. xxoo
Hi - you left this link on the facebook wall of Kelly, a friend of mine. I have the BRCA1 mutation too and can really understand how you feel. I think most of us feel this way, and like you, we make this decision with heavy hearts. MY DIEP PBM is scheudled for January 12th, and I'm fearful too.. but I also feel it's the best choice for me and my family.
ReplyDeleteYou did a beautiful job in expressing your feelings here. I hope it doesn't take you long to come to peace with your choice.
Teri
This one is a tear-jerker & I feel your pain. I will continue to urge you to not look back. You mentioned your children and there is no better reason to move forward with this. They need their mommy and you alone can give them that, their real mommy in their lives, not just memories of you. Move forward, one step at a time. You can do this!
ReplyDeleteThe support I receive from all of you who have taken the time to write.. they allow me to continue
ReplyDeleteI thank all of you for your words of kindness and strength