Fear. It is a feeling that we all have: that as human beings we feel.
The fear of having pain, of not being able to control pain. The fear of something going wrong. It is a 'feeling' that whether is based on fact or heart felt emotion it is one that alters the living experience.
I do not hide my fear, from my language or here as I write. I address it, analyze it and hopefully in the end work through it. My mind fluctuates currently between a very bad and a very good scenario - type of see saw if you will. On one hand I live through 'Eva's' experience, as it continually distorts and worsens. The digestion of this is difficult if not humanly impossible to not alter my view on having surgery if it is ultimately at the expense of health. Health is the reasoning for a mastectomy in the first place. If it ultimately it worsens qualities of life then why any individual would proceed down that pathway.
The brighter end of the seesaw has seen amazing results from surgery. My girlfriend's process has been in her words” painless". I saw her breasts this weekend and I say "sign me up!" After 3 children, I look pretty good, but I am all for perky!!!. The fear of unknowing, of seeing end results is dramatic for the human psyche.
The complete idiotic mind conversation I have had is "What would a man think of my body?” Why do I care?!?! The whole if a man truly loves me argument comes into play here...fear...
It doesn’t matter of you have a PhD or simply high school. Fear, if left to roam can unjustify the most justified means.
I further digest...
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Colleen, you mention "what would a man think of my body". When I had my op I never intended to split with my Husband so that didn't enter my head as I knew I had his unconditional love. After splitting with Dave I suddenly thought how on earth can I show my body to another man. It was very hard at first and my first new relationship didn't last long (3 months) but that wasn't because he didn't love my body it was because we just weren't right for each other. I am now in a new relationship with an old partner (we went out twice before) so he's known my body preop which made me really nervous. He didn't bat an eyelid and we are very comfortable with each other and have a wonderful relationship which so far has lasted 5 months.
ReplyDeletePlease don't be fearful of what lies ahead for you. Be thankful instead that you have the opportunity to have an operation like this which can give you a new and much longer life. You may otherwise not have this if you don't undergo the op and leave everything to chance.
Your BRCA sisters are here to answer any questions and hold your hand to help you through this.
Loads of Love
Karen x
What a wonderful answer you got from Karen, listen to what she say´s it´s true and honest.
ReplyDeleteI am married and have had these questions running through my mind also........what if we split up do I have the strength to show myself to a new man and start a new relationship at all? I guess the answer is YES, if the man I would choose IF I would come to that have to love me as I am with my FOOBS. If he disapproves about them he is NOT the man I want.He has to love me as I am because there is no turning back for me I have silicon implants and that´s it. And I can´t live without LOVE.
I always said I would do it all over again, both of my surgeries, because I AM LIVING without fear now. No ticking bomb left.
We are here for you sweetie, Karen is right about that also. Ask whatever is on your mind if it helps you just a little bit.
Love, Susanne