The question

So who am I? I sit in the Edmonton Airport and realize that was the question this weekend. Or maybe even more importantly who do I want to be. My story as it has been narrated so far is a very personal one. This past weekend I however traveled west to Edmonton for both personal and professional reasons. Ironically, I work in the breast cancer ‘world’ mostly in a fundraising capacity but more recently in the Public and Media Relations realm. Yes, not surprisingly some days I wish I had a cape and a special power to face the day. ‘Frustrating?’ some ask. Some days are but when you have a woman come into the office and give you a hug because you gave her strength during her treatments... (sigh); the stress and the long hours are worth the warmth and spirituality of those moments. I tried to leave the not for profit world at one point because of the high stress demands of but came back simply for the reason that I missed it. My career is now nearly 15 years long and I truly want to make a difference and a mark against the beast we know as cancer. Typical Type A personality.

I took a deep breath this morning and felt better. I am able to step back with perspective now. The conference this weekend was unlike others. It ingrained a theme of what cancer does...it takes away our friends and family. If you beat the C monster...the women frequently state mental and physical scars from the poisons of chemotherapy. No one can deny that this demon changes you and all those around you. I laugh as there was there typical ‘show and tell’ after the business dinner of those women who have undergone reconstruction. I have to say they were some of the nicest breasts I have seen. One of the women had undergone a TRAM flap. This is where they use tissue from the abdomen to reconstruct the breast. Well damn – I was not convinced she had reconstruction! That evening my facebook page read “I must be the envy of all men in the world today as I saw 4 pairs of bare breasts!” I received alot of thumbs up on that one – all from women.

As I sat there at the conference and heard stories that made me cry and hugged women who gave me hope; in the end realized that no matter how hard this will be – and that it will be – it solidified my decision of surgery.
My story has decided to get a little more intricate unfortunately. With all the complications that ‘Eva’ has endured I have decided to do some research and called a few people in the ‘Cancer World’. I have that luxury so I felt this was going to be one of the few times I use it. Dr. Shail Verma was the top of my list...a true modern day legend. I discussed Eva’s situation and he did express concern. He mentioned that my fate might very well be the same... (choke) as Eva and I are family... (yes I recognize I have hidden that fact) and the only thing I can do that MIGHT help is a treatment of antibiotics before I head to the OR. The risk is high that I too will fall to infection but if I focus on that then I can’t move, breathe nor think.

So who do I want to be? I want to be the woman who is around to hug her children, be there when they cry over boyfriends, be there to take them out to lunch after shopping sprees together, to be there when they have children of their own.

But most importantly I just want to be there.

Surgery, here I come. Ready or not.