TOP 10 List

Statistics have been a critical part of my decision making process. I have over an 80 percent chance of getting breast cancer. Not good odds. I have spoken to several dozen women who had the same surgery that I will undergo with minimal complications. I try to rationalize my fear away. I do have to go in expecting complications because it would be irrational to do so. I try to be brave but the tears still come.

One part of this journey I did not expect is the continual support from women all across the world and right here in Ottawa who share the same plight. We blog, we facebook, we continually search each other out and we truly feel were are sisters and refer to each other as such.

One of the many women I speak to has drawn up a 'Top 10" list that I had to share because it resonated with me so deeply. I made some minor adjustment to speak to my experience but the heart of this derives Steph H and her blog "Good bye to Boobs"

Top Ten Things Young Previvors (Probably) Don't Want to Hear

10) But you're so young!
Well, I'm not 29 anymore...but I still people I am with a coy smirk but all that is beside the point. Young women do get breast cancer, and young women with the breast cancer gene, especially, get breast cancer. In fact, recent studies suggest that women with BRCA mutations are getting sick an average of six years earlier than the previous generation. So we're never to young to get breast cancer.

9) Well, if you get breast cancer, at least it's curable.
This impression that breast cancer is somehow the "good cancer" to get befuddles me. Have we really sanitized the disease so much with all the pink ribbons and smiling bald ladies in ads that breast cancer has just become a woman's right of passage? Breast cancer changes lives. And breast cancer ends lives. I'm not sure why we've forgotten (willfully ignored?) this inconvenient truth. And unless I missed the headlines, there still is no cure for cancer. What's more, women with BRCA mutations who have had breast cancer have a 40% chance of recurrence and an elevated risk of developing second primary cancers. In other words, breast cancer isn't like chicken pox, folks. You don't get it once and are immune to it forever.

8) You're removing healthy body parts that may never develop cancer. That's crazy.
To you, maybe. But to me, it's the opposite of crazy. It's totally sane and rational. I have a nearly 90% chance of getting a disease I know I can prevent if I have this surgery. What's crazier, getting it when you didn't have to or not getting it because you had surgery? I'm going to go with what's behind door number two, Monty.

7) So wait. If I was told I had the brain cancer gene, I'd have to remove my brain?
Are you sure you haven't already? No. You would not remove your brain. Because you need it to live. I am removing my breasts because I can live (both figuratively and literally) without them.

6) That's not what I would do.
You are free to think that, but I don't want to hear it. Truthfully, you-imaginary-person-who-doesn't-have-the-BRCA-mutation, I don't really care what you would do. Because you don't know what it feels like to be me. So zip it.

5) What if you have the surgery and then die of something else?
Well, that's the point right? Not to die of breast cancer? I don't know how long I've got, but I'd like to spend my time here without breast cancer.

4) Look on the bright side, you're getting a free boob job!
Reconstruction does not equal a boob job, folks.Facing yourself in the mirror with new body parts is not a big love -in fest. Enough said.

3) I always hated my boobs. You're lucky to be getting rid of them.
I know lots of women out there have vexed relationships with their bodies, and there are parts of mine that I hate. My boobs myself are not one of my favourite but they are mine. I laugh because I have receive compliments from men who love them and thought they were beautiful too! So when I see these womanly mounds on my body, I do a silent little touch-down celebration. So, no, I'm not lucky to be getting rid of them. I'm lucky for the time I had with them.

2) You should do [insert healthy lifestyle choice].
I hear that helps prevent breast cancer.Well, if we knew how to prevent it, no one would get it, right? I hate to be so pessimistic, but, especially in women with BRCA mutations, all of this healthy-lifestyle-doing-yoga-drinking-green-tea-taking-vitamins seems like titling at windmills to me. But, I'll play along. So, to prevent cancer I need to be healthy. But I already am. Healthy and concious diet? Check. Pilates? Check. Non-smoker? Check. I'm doing all I can here, folks. I'm staring down a 9 in 10 chance of getting breast cancer. I wonder really what difference it makes if I forgo that Diet Coke or glass of red wine.

1) Don't do anything drastic yet. There will be a cure soon.
I sincerely hope you are right. And I sincerely hope that in five, ten, twenty years, prophylactic mastectomies for high-risk women will seem as draconian as blood letting. I have three girls who I have deeper hopes of choices then mine are right now.But I'm not going to stand around idly and wait for miraculous medical advances. I'm doing the best with the technology and understanding we currently have.

Top Ten Things Young Previvors (Probably) Want to Hear

10) Is there anything I can do? Do you need a ride anywhere? Wanna grab a drink?

9) I'll be there for you.

8) Good for you for doing what's right for you.

7) I don't want you to get breast cancer, either.

6) I don't know what it must feel like to be going through what you are going through, but I know it sucks.

5) Talk to me. I'm here to listen.

4) When you are recovering from surgery, I'll come over and watch DVDs with you, wash your hair, and bring you junk food and wine

3) You are brave.

2) You are strong.

1) You will still be beautiful.