Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I have taken some time away from my blog, from all the 'talk' to think...once I think i have made my decision I change it...and once I remake my decision I make it again...

The BRCA group I formed has met a couple of times since my last post and it never fails to inspire me. I am always amazed with the courage of the women surrounding me ...those around the table and everything they have overcome. The most remarkable, the one that I can not shake was at our last meeting. There were only 5 around the table but this one woman was new. I knew the evening would be different with her in our presence. She, the definition of strength, as she introduced herself and her reality she was going through chemotherapy.

Now I am not sure why this woman has hit me right to the core. In my profession, I deal with breast cancer patients all stages including (unfortunately) those who at Stage 4 with no other resources available to them. This woman though just looked at me and said 'what the hell are you waiting for?? Do you want to end up like me" Tears stream down my face as I write these words even now...

I know I need to have the surgery ...and my vanity is the least to keep me from it...but if I was honest it is the fear of the unknown. The fear of what the results will be and even more so...the fear of pain and dealing with all that comes with a PBM.

I feel like a failure/or more blatant a word...a wus... for not being able to make up my mind quickly...

Most of me has decided to go through with the surgery and I almost feel like I am in morning right now. I have actually looked in the mirror and instead of my usual blah - ness for my breast as they were never a favorite part of my anatomy; I now look at them with love and think...this in their last summer in a bikini. I may actually miss them

The worst was calling a plastic surgeon this past week. When I explained to the woman on the other end that I was looking at retrieving information on a PBM I could not believe the response! I hear a strong 'tongue click' with an added I could not be hearing that on the other end of Mr. Bell could I???? Later on in the conversation as I maintained composure she asked me why the HELL I was doing this...when I explained my gene destiny there was another stern silence and well we can't help you until you speak to others. Basically I read between the lines on that one

I continue my research and continue with interviewing surgeons. I am hoping this is going to get easier.

The decision is hard..I continue with interviews