Wednesday, December 9, 2009

this is the hard part

December - the month of festivities, parties and well some serious cutting loose. I feel very lucky to have the number of friends that I do. I am constantly surrounded by love and support and that alone is a blessing. I, most recently, yet most significantly, am surrounded by my BRCA sisterhood - a group of women like me who stare cancer in the face and say "not me". I also have the Ottawa HBOC group which support and surround me with a love and support that I have not felt in years. A true blessing

its all about the holidays...

But this month is different

I cried tonight. A gut releasing cry. My daughter approached me with tears at the dining table; afraid... she afraid of what was going to happen to mommy. I cried and held her as we both opened our souls to the pain we so desperately hide during this very trying time. I do not doubt that many women facing a mastectomy have felt this secret pain. I assured her that mommy would be fine. It may not be fun for a period of time but in the end I will be there for her to watch her graduate, be there when she has babies of her own. I told her cancer was not welcome in our home so this is what I was willing to do to make that happen

It is an incredibly hard time right now. I hear that alot from other women who have been here. I am four weeks before surgery. I often sit and say this is my last X with my last last last cookie gets to be a joke at a point but utterly consuming and draining.

I don't have cancer but tonight I feel that it entered my home. My girls are scared. I am scared. This is the hard part... the waiting. I have taken a step back from almost everything and everyone - except for those people who I know can only feed positive messages back to me. I have, for the first time in 15-20 years decided to be selfish. A very foreign thought for me, uncomfortable at many a time...though many BRCA sisters and encourages me to be so. I can not handle anything negative or or conflict at this point.

This 'zone' of where my head lies was completely unexpected. I am living right now as a women with cancer on her shoulder because I do feel it breathing down my neck. I feel that darkness and insecurity that I can only imagine women facing treatments and the unknown ahead. This has however has offered me a light that I believe is a gift... I have removed those in my life who are selfish, learned that the past, although haunting is not that kind, and that the future is where I need to focus. That would be me - healthy - standing beside my family. a gift that sees and appreciates life as a gift.

The BRCA sisterhood has showed that so many women have faced many difficulties, some more than I could bear and that no matter what my future holds, the pain, the blood, the uncertainty, the fact is that I will live. Live with my daughters beside me. No one, no man, no selfish being can take that from me.

It is good that over the next month that I have alot to keep me busy - wrapping up work, Christmas, and FLORIDA. I am heading to have a crazy time in FT. Lauderdale with a girlfriend of mine. Run away and just forget what lies ahead.

I have to keep my sanity. Might as well have fun doing it.

Pray for me.