Sunday, November 22, 2009

The night reality came crashing in

Have you ever been angry? I mean really really angry? So upset you couldn’t breathe? I did that tonight. I cried. I scream. I yelled. I lost my breath in tears and fear. My emotions flooded uncontrollably into consciousness as reality hit and hit hard.

I attended a film festival tonight surround by heroic stories, women of courageous character. I myself was surrounded by many bald heads who share a common story in the plush red seats we sat in.  Breast cancer

My soul will be forever marked as I watched Stage IV- A Journey into the Unknown  A film that will forever change my life and brought me to my space tonight. This documentary was the story if a  women’s fight with breast cancer. Anne was an incredibly positive being. Fit, young, active, optimistic and yet as the minutes pasted in the film, which in real life was actually weeks and months, cancer kept taking a larger part of her. First her breasts. Then her liver.

Like me, one of her largest struggles was with how her child would deal with this. She remained positive, attacked cancer with every treatment and alternative method she could muster. Every P.E.T scan she remained positive and just said “Well I need more time to find what will kick this” as the diagnoses and medical reports came back continually on a negative note. Chemo was not working

In the end cancer won. I watched her die in the most horrible painful way. This very smiley woman could no longer find anything positive to say because she was in so much pain.

The film was life changing for me. The monster, my boogie man, imbedding itself slowly into her family’s life. Her son found his mom’s disease hard to comprehend. The stress on the marriage was also demonstrated. The constant challenge of her inner sprit. She demonstrated such strength. Such strength I do not believe I have. As I watched her family struggle I knew I did not want to put my family through such duress if i could prevent it.

The most notable scene was where the doctor basically said there were no more options, no more treatments available and she was given 6 months...

She lived 5.

She died at home which the film annimated clearly. Her lifeless body is embedded into my memory for life.

I am beside myself tonight with tears and an overwhelming fear as I say goodbye to my breasts.

I have never been so scared in all my life.

God and the angels be with you Ann

God help me and give me strength to get through what I know I must do.

1 comment:

  1. Colleen,

    You have more strength than you know! You will make it through this and will be a stronger woman for it. You are doing this for yourself; and for your children. I have been in that space where you are now. Please know I am here for you whenver you need an ear or a shoulder!!!

    Love Shari xoxo