I look for my strength through the fog

So much has happened...I left my blog to digest everything.

My goal here is not to set a prairie fire or god willing - to have a bitchfest online. In such a short amount of time I have chatted with dozens of women across the world on genetic status and their journey to discovering mental relief. It seems that most women choose surgery as the best way to deal with this "genetic destiny".

Many of you have inquired about 'Eva' Her situation has gone from bad to worse. It appears that after her losing one breast, she will after weeks of antibiotics and mental greivances, she will loose the other one. I can not focus on one bad story but as I make my decision to have the surgery, the sting of something gone so wrong is truly a mental hiccup that will take some time

I also write today knowing another BRCA 'sister' is probably just out of surgery now and I eagerly await to hear how she is doing and how her recovery will be.

My source of strength has been the new friendship of a young lady who has gone through the expander course. Her story is one that never involves the language of pain and gives those of us who are weak of heart (and stomach) the belief that FOOBS (fake bobs) can be great. I also thank all my “sisters” across the globe for sharing their pictures with me.

I can not lie, there have been tears - mostly of fear but there are days where I simply feel overwhelmed. I question my capacity to walk down a road I know I must go. I tell myself FOOBS look better than the ones I got! Perkiness after having children is always a bonus.

I know one thing for sure - I couldn't do cancer. I speak with women on a daily basis that are going through treatment. They are the truest definition of a hero.

a retrospective week

Having a genetic mutation, whatever the gene may be, is a weird existence. It is like the angel and devil characters on your shoulder, and the battle of who has a louder voice on certain days

Some days you feel empowered and that there is an inner strength that other non-carriers just don’t have. It is on these days I could have a patch sewn on my chest in blinking lights “BRCA Positive and Proud!” Look at me I could scream - I am brave and I shall conquer!

Then there are days that I wish I didn’t know of this sleeping giant. This thought of a metaphoric fight of ‘good and bad cells’ within in me wreaks havoc with my imagination. I recognize the power of the mind is one that can not be dismissed. I know all that, my inner voice screams it but this week my heart is the one that reigned.

My 'friend' Eva (I wish to be respectful of this persons privacy) at the young age of 32 recently underwent a preventative double mastectomy. I view this woman, like all women who have made this choice, courageous beyond any printed words I can add numerous adjectives to. She opted, after careful consideration, for the new "all in one" process that completes the reconstructive process immediately. I am not up on medical procedures but this process has apparently been used frequently in the States and the UK. After 5 1/2 hours of surgery the results according to doctors and nurses were incredible. Unfortunately the pain for Eva was just as incredible and it was heart retching to hear her using descriptors as torture for her existence.

Weeks went by and the healing was slow and the pain was unrelenting. Now I am all about looking at the world "glass half full" You really don't get anywhere in the world with a negative attitude. It was hard though for me not to parallel my own existence and decision making process with what I was hearing from Eva.

Unfortunately it only got worse, and one of Eva's breasts got infected...and well...to make a long story short (or is it too late?) she turned septic and had to have one of her newly reconstructed breasts removed this week.

I have never felt so helpless ...so frustrated and …well afraid. To go through all what she had and to have this set back. I recognize it will all be fine in the end...though she now has a long journey ahead of her...it was hard for me to not equate this journey as my own. I have had many of my other friends go through the process with no hiccups and I try to focus on those.

This is where I truly start my own mental journey to the operating room.

The begining of empowerment

Well this is it -The Intro.

I am a local Ottawa woman who's personal and professional journey has taken years to process what having this gene means. Now, with physicians and geneticists more savvy with this 'sentence' I believe women and men are becoming more aware of what all this means.

Having said that, there is still a gap I have identified a in our system that has yet to be filled.

This hole and a large one at that, is one that I have been working on filling. No women or man should have to navigate our system blindly. This journey is one that can only to be travelled at the speed one feels comfortable with. Once ready to absorb information, someone else's journey can assist another in ways that surpass any words I can put on a page.

Today was an incredible step towards creating such a program in the Ottawa area. I received a call first thing this morning from 'THE" Dr. Verma and he was excited as I to start such a support system. Sentiment of the similar sort I have heard mirrored from the Woman's Breast Health Centre.

As I work towards making this dream a reality (please allow me this small cliché) I would like to share the journey as I have worked and learned through it. As I mentioned I have 3 girls but I also have 3 sisters, 2 which have also been diagnosed with the gene as well.

I write with all of them in mind as well as my nieces and fellow BRCA sisters in mind. Let's together create the map of empowerment.